How to Set Boundaries With Family: Setting Boundaries in Relationships in a Way That Doesn’t Make Things Awkward
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Disclaimer: This blog is a transcript from my podcast episode. There may be some grammatical errors wherever AI had brain farts 🤣 But the content is still amazing and you’ll get the jist! Thanks for reading! <3 Tiffany
The person you haven't set boundaries with is the person that's running your business.
It's the person that's on your mind, the person that's in control of your time, your mood, how you are as a mother, as a wife, as a sister, as a friend. And it's time you set boundaries with them. And you already know that it's long overdue.
Today I'm going to be talking about the importance of boundaries in your personal life, how that can look and how you can communicate in a way that they don't have to agree with.
But you're going to set your authority in a way that they have to respect. And I know that in especially Latino families, it's very difficult to set boundaries because our past generations had none, absolutely none. And not only did they have no boundaries, they depended on previous generations.
So now we are kind of the first generation to do things on our own. And it's very offensive, especially to the women in the family that you don't take their advice.
When it comes to being a wife, being a mom, cooking, cleaning, thoughts, anything, but you know, previous generations had to reach out.
They didn't have Google. They didn't have podcasts. They didn't have anything. They had to depend.
And it was an honor to depend on the older generations and say, I want to do things like you. And we don't all necessarily want to do things like our parents did. A lot of us.
Our parents are actively working to not do things the way our parents did, and it's not a bad thing.They weren't bad for the way they did things.
I mean, obviously, unless it was a terrible situation, but they weren't bad for doing things in the capacity that they knew how. Because if you think about it, every generation has improved.
Your parents raised you in a way that they saw better than how they were raised.
We're raising our kids in a way that we see better than how we were raised. But when our kids grow up, they'll gladly tell us all the ways that we messed up.
So we're not putting them through maybe the things we went through, but we're oblivious to the things that we are putting them through that aren't going to serve them in the future.
And that's kind of what every generation does. Maybe your dad worked three jobs because he wanted to make sure to put food on the table, but you saw it as you weren't good enough for him to stay home and spend time with you, or other things were more important than you were.
That's how your four year old self interpreted that experience, locked it away in your heart.
And maybe your arguments now are manifestations of that sadness and grief that you didn't get to have that experience with your dad that other kids had, but in his eyes he was doing the best because he didn't want you to go through what he went through in going to sleep hungry at night. And this is what we all do as parents.
We all try and fill the gaps that we see. We're present in our childhood, but every child, every human is different, and the gaps that we're filling, we're inevitably leaving other gaps open, and your child will tell you that one day, as some of us have told our parents, and that's okay, none of us are perfect.
So How Do You Set Boundaries?
In a dynamic that has been very much communicated as a healthy family dynamic, but now that you've grown up, you don't see it that way and you want things to change.
I heard someone say something like, you have to be so committed to your boundary that you are willing to lose the relationship if they violate it.
I see some truth to that. I mean, that's a very extreme thing.
Obviously, just to preface this whole episode, I am not talking about anything extreme, any abuse, anything that's like violating a really solid boundary that you need for your health.
Obviously none of that falls under the context of what I'm going to be talking about.
What I'm talking about is things and ways that you want to spread your wings and then someone in your life comes and closes them or clips them and you open your wings a little and someone comes and zip-ties your wings again.
So How Do You Set Boundaries With Those People?
The first thing is to determine your non negotiables before you determine the level at which you are willing to go at war, right?
This is not about war.
This is not about going neck and neck in who's right and who's wrong. This is about changing your dynamic and interaction with this person.
With these people to say, I am the one getting back in the driver's seat of my life because I am determining what I will and will not allow.
And that's it. It doesn't have to be dramatic; it doesn't have to be a fight. You're simply communicating your hard line in the sand, so first determine those things.
Where Do I Feel Like My Boundaries Are Always Overlooked and Dismissed?
It could be a once-a-month thing or an everyday thing. Once is too much, and that's it.
You don't have to just say, Oh, it's not that bad. I should just put up with it.
Whatever, let me just be quiet.
No, we're not here trying to juggle the ticking time bombs around us. You're not a juggler and at some point those bombs are gonna go off and it's gonna get ugly.
So this is what we're trying to prevent by setting the boundaries. I want to have a healthy dynamic with you. I want to have a relationship that I feel comfortable in.
So first is set your own non negotiables. Next is to think about when you are going to have this conversation, because this is not a conversation you want to have when you are emotionally charged.
This is not something you want to talk about when your your boundary is actively being violated, you know, you told your sister not to come over on Sundays because Sundays is your family movie day and here she's knocking at the door. This is not the time to say hey, I told you, uh, you don't remember our conversation. I told you not to be coming over on Sundays.
I mean you can go that route, but that's not my vibe. That's not what I'm trying to teach you here and it's not going to be a long term solution.
So think about when is a good time to have this conversation next is to remember to position the conversation as a benefit to the other party using a lot of I language.
Now, this is not manipulation. This is keeping the conversation neutral, which is what you want to do when you're trying to get someone to see your side.
Because human nature and psychology is when we hear you, you did this, you said this immediately, a wall goes up immediately.
Your ears perk up in defense instead of listening to what the other person is saying.
If you hear you, you said, you did, you're always!
We want to stay away from the use of always and never, because that's simply not true, but those things make people immediately defensive and your conversation is not going to be efficient or effective.
You're also going to have to recognize that setting this boundary might be a huge inconvenience to you to some degree because we let things happen because there is a positive result in it for us.
What I mean by that is even at the most basic level, micro level, there is a positive result, you not having these conversations means you are not arguing with this person.
That is the positive result. So when we allow something that's making us uncomfortable to keep playing out in our lives, we have to be radically honest with ourselves and say, what am I benefiting from this negative thing?
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In What Way Am I Comfortable With This Continuing to Happen in My Life?
So that you can identify that and talk yourself through a solution that you can actually put into place. Because this isn't about creating a plan that you're not going to follow through with and you don't have to, you're allowed to ease into this.
You don't have to set this harsh line in the sand of, starting tomorrow, you will not be allowed over here at 5pm.
It's like, you know, let's be realistic and practical. Some people might offer that advice. Like you need to rip the bandaid off, but that really depends on your personality, on the other person's personality.
And at the end of the day, we're not in this to hurt the other person. We are in this to make ourselves more comfortable. That is human nature and that's not wrong.
So your mission in all of this, the end result is not to make the other person sad. The end result of boundaries is none of these things to make them sad, to hurt their feelings, to tell them that they're wrong.
For the most part in most dynamics, family dynamics, especially people are doing things because they think it's helpful to you.
People are saying things in whatever terrible delivery they're giving it, but in their mind, it's going to be helpful to you to know this information about yourself or to know that this is what you're doing wrong in your life or to know that.
You need to catch up in this area of your life. It's their way of motivating you as toxic as that can grow into. But I know that your intention with setting your boundary with this person is not to hurt them. So you don't have to have this dramatic conversation that's just going to push them away forever.
Again, I am talking about, a person in your life who has overstepped their boundaries, stuck their nose a little bit too far into your business.
And we want to reset our dynamic with them. Now all of these tips up to this point has kind of been a ”you” thing. We haven't gotten into the conversation yet in full detail.
So you really have to do a lot of pre work, hyping yourself up to have this conversation because you already know how they're going to react probably.
You already know that it's going to get uncomfortable. You're going to have to feel those uncomfortable feelings, that awkward tension, the backlash, whatever this person, however they tend to react when there's an objection to what they say.
And so all of that, you have to be ready and equipped to receive and process without backing down, which is not easy.
Another way you can start setting boundaries is getting back control on the things that you can control.
If there's someone that after having a conversation with them, you just feel uneasy.
They take away your peace. They get you upset. The first thing you can start doing to set a boundary is not reply to their text right away. I know a lot of times we can get into that dynamic of, Oh my gosh, they're texting me. They're going to get upset if I don't write back right away. And that is going to cause another problem.
And since we already know how this plays out, we continue adding fuel to the fire, trying to prevent a conflict. And meanwhile, on their end, they have no idea that anything's wrong, because anytime they say jump, you say how high.
So start giving yourself that time and space when you see them on your phone, calling, sending a text.
What does their name represent to you? Does it represent criticism?
Do you get tense because you know that they're only calling to tell you that everything you do is wrong, that you messed up on this, that why didn't you do this thing?
Like they told you to, they've been telling you for so long. And if you would only do it their way, you wouldn't be in the situation you're in.
So when you see their name on your phone, what do you feel?
You're going to start to realize and feel the shift. When you start taking control back, you don't have to be available when someone says you do. And in doing this alone, your interaction is probably going to get more positive because now you feel like you are not subject to what they say and how they say it and when they say it.
But you're like, no, I am the one texting you back when I want. And it gives you a feeling of control, which is what we need when we don't have boundaries with someone. We need to start reeling in the control again and that's a healthy thing.
That's not, I'm a control freak and all this stuff. No, I'm healthy. And I'm, I'm setting my boundaries.
To support myself in the way that I want to interact with you that feels authentic and pleasing to me.
The next thing is to be okay with them being upset. Be okay with them disagreeing and telling you about it. Because for the most part people that don't have boundaries don't have verbal boundaries either.
So, they will tell you, that's ridiculous! What are you thinking, that's crazy! That's not my intention. I don't know why you see me that way.
Now obviously! This is getting into a little gaslighting and toxic stuff, but sometimes people with boundaries are all those things and that's how they have managed to control you and keep the boundary that they want open.
So be okay, ready and willing to hear that they disagree and that you are wrong. And even though start telling you some consequences that you're going to start living out because you're setting that boundary.
And if your parents are true Latinos, they'll say, you're going to remember this when I die and you're going to be so sad.
But go into it knowing that there might be a little bit of drama in the sense of like, shock of, what are you talking about? What you don't like is, I tell you this or that. I say this or do this.
I can't believe it and that might be a genuine thing. They might actually not realize that they are doing something that you don't like, and maybe they're doing it out of love and out of love for them and love and respect for yourself.
It's your job to communicate this. Maybe there's topics of conversation that you're not willing to have anymore. Maybe you don't want to talk about your divorce again. Maybe you don't want to talk about starting your business and taking a big financial hit.
So those are things that you can tell them. I know that you have a lot of love for me and you want the best for me. And one word you can use to always keep it neutral is, instead of but, you would say, I love that you are always thinking about how I can better myself. I really appreciate that and I don't think that it's helpful right now to bring up that I should have stayed at my job because I've already started my business.
And I really love it and I know it's just going to take time. So if you really want to support me and I know you do, just tell your friends about how I can help them or whatever feels good for you. If you don't want them talking about your business at all or whatever the case may be, set an alternative.
That's a really important thing when communicating boundaries, because we don't want the other person to feel like we are completely shutting them out.
We just want them to shift their level of interaction with us or their level of advice or whatever it is that you're trying to shift in your dynamic.
So always give them a rain check, give them an alternative. Let them know that your line of communication is still open, but that topic is off limits and they will need to be reminded.
Let me assure you; they will need to be reminded because if they are used to talking to you about a certain thing, telling you certain things about yourself, and you've established that boundary of, we're not going to be talking about this anymore.
Then, you know, you're going to have to remind them because they're also going to test the waters.
A lot of times setting boundaries with adults is like setting boundaries with children because they want to see how far they can go and keep themselves comfortable.
Because in you setting a boundary, they have to get uncomfortable and close their mouth.
They have to get uncomfortable and think about something else to talk about instead of talking about you, right?
So all of that is uncomfortable and they're not used to it. So they're just gonna go back to their default or try to and talk about the things that make you uncomfortable and this journey will not be linear.
Please keep that in mind. This journey will not be linear.
Some days You'll have a little bit more tolerance. Some days you'll have zero tolerance and you're gonna come off really harsh. But this is not linear and if you mess up, If they mess up, it's okay.
But we're, we're establishing our boundaries so that we feel better about our relationship.
That is the foundation of all of this, feeling better about how you communicate in that relationship. And the final step in setting your boundary is giving yourself compassion because you're going to question, you know, why didn't I just keep my mouth shut? Why did I mess up our relationship in the moment, right?
In the future, you're going to be able to see it was for the best. But give yourself compassion and in those moments where you try and reach out and they ignore you or they're you know.
Low key punishing you for establishing a boundary just love yourself through it and that might sound corny. That might sound fluffy but it's what we need and it's what we would give someone else if they called you and said I set a boundary with my friend and you know this and that is happening.
You would be there to love her, support her and comfort her through those moments.
So do that for yourself because until we start establishing those healthy boundaries, we're going to feel the tension in all the things we do because we have that person's voice in the back of our head telling us that we're doing it wrong, telling us we should do it this way, that way.
Why are we even bothering doing this again? And all of those things affect your business. And if you want help being able to map out a plan and say, this is!
The issue I'm having, this is what I would like to see happen, but I just need that support through it. Then I want to invite you to join my six week one on one program with me called evolve.
We're going to start with learning how to communicate issues like these or whatever issues are present in your life.
Those hard conversations that you need to have, I'm going to help you walk through them step by step before you have them. So that the crap doesn't hit the fan so that it's an effective conversation that's walking you towards the life that you want, the authenticity that you are craving.
Because, right now when you have all of these things weighing you down, you cannot show up in your business as you would love to.
If you just had an explosive fight with your husband two minutes before your zoom meeting, I guarantee your energy is off. I guarantee the end result that you wanted to have in that meeting. It just flopped.
Why?!
Because you don't have those effective communication strategies yet that are so practical, so easy to implement and feels good for both people involved. And I want to give you that.
I want to guide you through that and support you and hold your hand through those times because they can be emotional.
They can be tough, but they are so necessary to go through, to establish and to live through in order to thrive in your business and feel authentic in everything you say and do.
No more holding back. No more fear of what that person's going to say.
If they hear my podcast, “Hello, talking to myself” and when you can get to that point, you feel like you're living your dream life.
There's no dollar amount that can give you that feeling. There's no vacation that can give you that feeling. It's the feeling of authenticity everywhere and anywhere you go in all that you do for your business.
There is nothing that can replace or provide that feeling other than being in your authentic dream life, which is what we're going to create together in my program evolve.
I want to hear from you because I want to give you those tools to start seeing this change quickly to stop reading books.
To stop hearing more and more podcasts and start putting things into action in a neutral way that feels good.
And most of all, it's going to give you the result that you want. So please reach out to me.
Let me know that you are interested and let's see if it's a right fit for you. Thank you for listening to this podcast.
Thank you for your time. And I'm so excited to be able to talk about these things because it's truly what's on my heart.
What's been on my heart. I just didn't know how to fit it in to what I was doing, but.
In my authenticity, in honor of my authenticity, I had to start talking about these things and I just love it.
20 minutes went by, it felt so easy and I am so excited to bring these things to you with my twist and my communication expertise.
Receive a big virtual hug from me before going to set your boundary cause I know it's tough and if you want help with that, reach out.
See you in the next episode.
Let's keep this party going! 🥳
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Disclaimer: This blog is a transcript from my podcast episode. There may be some grammatical errors whenever AI has brain farts 🤣 But you got the jist!
Thanks for reading! <3 Tiffany